Monday, December 8, 2014

{Monday Musing} Rhythm

It's been five months now since my Mom passed into Glory, and it was just a week ago last year that she was first admitted to Hospice Care.  I started a 5 year diary last year, so every day I've been reading back over last year's entry - which is just a sentence or two -  and, as it is still so fresh in my mind, the feelings and emotions I experienced during her last 7 months on earth sweep over me just as they did then.  My responsibilities have changed since her death.  I don't have to make daily or every other day trips to see her.  I don't have to worry about whether she is eating, or taking her medicine.  I don't have to talk to nurses or CNA's or make funeral plans, or even figure out what to talk to her about when she was unable to respond.  Whether I was there or not, her care was always on my mind.

Many of us have experienced those type of seasons in a different intensity - an ailing parent, a child who is making wrong choices, a marriage that has lost its joy, a friend or family member with a chronic or terminal disease, or even tension in a church family or work situation can absorb our mind and sap us of our focus and our sense of rhythm.   Life becomes a series of disconnected problems.  We don't seem to be able to focus our thoughts.  Things that were once important habits are now hit and miss, and we feel defeated and discouraged because everywhere we look the things we had been passionate about are either left undone or not done to our expectations, and the relationships we value above all have suffered.

As a creative person this disconnect can be especially disheartening.  What can I give to others when I am struggling?  How do I regain my focus?  I'm in God's Word.  I'm following all the formulas.  I'm learning to trust.  I'm trying to obey.  How can the grieving process take this much out of me when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Mom is with the Lord?  Why do I feel flat, overwhelmed and terribly useless?

With all these thoughts running through my mind over the past months, I "just happened" to pick up a book last week called "The Accidental Creative" -- of course it wasn't an accident!  It was a book talking about how to reestablish avenues of creativity in your life.  It spoke of rhythm, and how, in music, the times of silence are as important as the notes themselves.  I realized while reading that my mind for the past number of years has been always "on".  Constantly on the alert for the "next development" in a number of unresolved or uncomfortable areas of my life.  This "always on" mentality mixed with adrenaline had taken me through the different stages of my Mom's final journey, and had helped me to pick up clues that others may have missed, but it took a toll on everything else in my life.  To make menus was an overwhelming task.  To write blog posts was like trying to pick a beautiful apple from a dead tree.  To prioritize my different responsibilities was mind-numbing.  And to live out what makes me passionate - being a blessing to others through teaching and encouragement in God's Word - was becoming impossible.

Over this next year, I hope you'll join me as I work to establish new rhythms and routines in my life - perhaps they are things that will resonate with and encourage you as well.  I'm going to be taking time to re-evaluate my life against my purpose statement and update it.  I'm going to be looking at the routines I'm following in my housework, at the time I waste and how I can redeem it, and look to see if any of my old habits have been outgrown and need to be replaced with new ones.  I'm going to explore new areas of study, reorganize my menu notebook, and streamline the GraceWorks product lines to make room for new pages and ideas.  I'm going to reestablish some family traditions and work on making some new ones.  I'm going to prune away some things to make room for new growth, and I'm going to open myself up to give to and teach others what God is teaching me.

This is a frightening post to post.  What if I don't follow through on everything?  What if I fail?  But accountability is SO good for us, and I truly look forward to sharing God's goodness with you over this coming year.  I'm so excited to see where God will take us together!



Your Happy Monday prompt for today is...
I look forward to learning about ......  this coming year.


Holly said...

Beautiful, Tricia. My prayers and hugs go out to you!

Tami said...

I lost my mother-in-law in late September and it is really a weird place to no longer have all the details to juggle. I completely connect to your feelings. I want to take on the world yet I'm still a bit brain dead/frazzled from the last year. Hugs to you as you walk your way through this life change.